Spring Movie "Preview". Part 1

Well, I 'v finally decided to do a spring movie preview. There's a lot of bullshit coming out in the next few months and I think that it's the perfect opportunity to take a look at what's about to be thrown at us. Here is part one of series of previews for a few movies that I don't think I would ever go and see.

The first film up is Date Night starring Steve Carrell and Tina Fey. Finally, these two are together in a movie! Yuck. If only this movie was filmed in a cavern in Northern Afghanistan and released exclusively on Al-Jazeera.

The dip-shits at entertainment weekly actually said that they were excited to finally see these two together as a comedy duo. Here are a few comedy duos better than these two idiots:


Joseph Goebbels and Heinrich Himmler were a better comedy duo.

Chris Brown's right and left fists were a better comedy duo.

Childhood obesity and literacy rates are a better comedy duo.

Amy Bishop and her husband look like fucking Bob Hope and Bing Crosby compared to these two.

The plot of the story is about being married and being in a rut. So, to get out of it, the lady who added nothing to SNL and the man who should be convicted of rape for what he did to Rickey Gervais' office manager character, go out on a date.


It's a good thing that a case of mistaken identity causes them to go on an adventure and not finish their date. I don't think I (or anyone else) would be able to handle a sex scene with these two. You know, some God awful experimental sex/role playing thing that married people do to get out of a rut. The world isn't ready for Tina Fey to be dressed like a viking, squatting over Steve Carrell, while he has on one of those terrible 1920s style bathing suits, lying down on a bunch of spread out garbage bags.


The Next film is Death at a Funeral. This film is a remake of a 2007 British comedy. It was originally a British "black" comedy and now it's just...well...a black comedy. That's right. Think of every black actor and he is probably in this. Where the hell was the casting for this film done? The after party at the source awards? Actress/comedian Lisa Lampanellie's vagina?


I understand that there was a smidgen of race injected into that last series of jokes. I'm not so much concerned about what the average person might say to me. I am concerned that Disney might sue me for stealing their bit.


Regardless, I like the comics in it, but this movie is not for me. The British version was o.k. and the overall plot is actually good. Chris Rock's (the lead) dad died and at the funeral all this dirt starts coming up about his father.

It's made for a particular audience and it is going to certainly cash in on it.

Now we get to I Love You Phillip Morris. The only thing that I know about this movie is that Jim Carry plays a gay con man in jail and Ewan McGregor is his lover. I hate Jim Carry and the only thing that would make me watch this is if this guy (see picture) was his cell mate instead. I bet it would be pretty hard for Ace Ventura to talk out of his butt after a visit from him.

Spring Movie "preview" Part 2 (Posted-3/8/10)

The Runaways

This movie stars Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning. I bet this film is going to do great in Utah and Thailand. It's a biopic about singer Joan Jett. It's really only on this list so I could make that delightful little quip.

The Hot Tub Time Machine

I have to give Hollywood credit for actually being original. Sure, time travel has been done before, but not in a hot tub.

Hollywood has made every book, TV show and video game into a movie. I wouldn't be surprised if they started making film adaptations out of bus station surveillance footage. So to see an original idea is always nice.
These guys go back to the 1980s and I really have a problem with that.



That decade is the holy land for hacks. It seems like every shithead “class clown” in high school thought they were so funny because they made jokes referencing the 80s. We get it. Micheal Jackson was black and . The only 80s reference that’s still funny is any joke made about Ryan White. But stuff about people in their 80s is always funny. Like when they back their car into a dumpster or they shatter a hip on a wet McDonald’s floor.

MacGruber
This is a film based on an SNL skit. What, they couldn't get the “nod” for dick in a box?
I actually like this MacGyver spoof, but on the show they're about 1 to 2 minutes long. Nothing that makes sense for 120 seconds should ever be stretched out to 90 minutes. That includes SNL skits and prostate exams.

Wall street 2
I’ll let the shithead who made “jokes” from 12th grade history class go at this one. Oh, no I can’t. They don’t let convicted pedophiles use computers in prison.(Callback. Guffaw!)

Yesterday, I was stopped by a transit police officer. I tried to pay through the reduced fare gate and he apparently found that to be suspicious behavior. I hate the transit police. They don't do anything and when they do, it's for the wrong reason. All transit cops are just pissed because they don't get to solve "real" crimes.
When does a transit cop ever raid a guys house, go into his basement and find a bunch of chopped up and violated Charlie cards?
Never. But, they do get to tell homeless people to stop taking out their "junk".

"Private First Class" MacDonald

I was speaking to my brother recently. He is a U.S. Marine and is currently stationed in North Carolina. When ever we talk it's always about the same two bullshit things: food and TV.

He was telling me how he (during a Field test) was grazed by a bullet and then had to do fire watch that night. Fire watch is when one person guards the arms all night long. What a tough motherfucker. I give him a lot of credit, being able to put up with that. If I get a slight tickle in my throat, it's so distracting, I cant even watch TV. This kid was pretty much shot. He was still able to do his job, what a dumb fuck. He's a good kid.

Headlines (or two more jokes)

• Vancouver (the site of the winter Olympics) is up an arms over several disparaging reports concerning the large number of homeless people populating the area. Recently sending out a statement claiming "how dare you say such things about our women's ice-skating team".
• There are rumors circulating about Howard Stern and his interest in replacing Simon Cowell on American Idol. If this happens the show will likely be renamed "retarded-midget sing along".

Headlines and Punchlines

Here are a few things that are in the news right now:

• Strong Latin American sales boost Avon products INC. I think we all saw that coming when that old retired church organist moved into that Dominican neighborhood.
• That annoying Jersey shore girl has nude pictures of herself. Who the hell would want to see her naked? With all of that flab and the bright orange skin, I bet she looks like a jack-o-lantern under there.
• In an interview, Obama recently claimed that the Chinese yuan is greatly undervalued. When heard about this remark China answered back: "yes, this is true. But, it's still worth more than a baby girl".
• Indianapolis will delay its school day by one hour on Monday because of the Superbowl. That means that the children of Indianapolis will have one hour less to learn how to steal pies from window sills and catch catfish with their hands.
• A man was arrested for driving in the carpool lane with a mannequin in the passenger seat. He was sentenced to four months community service under the "Larry David-like schemes" act of 2003.