Summer Movie Preview, Part 1

There are a ton of huge movies this summer that are likely to gross hundreds of millions of dollars and still not be able to turn a profit. Of course, I’m not going to see any of these movies because that would mean leaving the house. God forbid I step outside instead of sitting in my room, wallowing in my own crapulence. But, then again, none of these movies really appeal to me anyway. I only watch documentaries about Lincoln’s alleged homosexual tendencies and Brazilian vomit-fetish bootlegs. Enjoy part one!

Nightmare on Elm Street
Everyone’s famous burn victim is back! No, not the guy who was on Oprah, Freddy Kruger. This is a total upheaval of the first film. I never like it when they remake horror movies. In today’s world everything is redone using a lot of CGI. I hate it when they use CGI to make things look scary; it takes all of the emotion right out of it. CGI is not scary. The bodies of the people who program CGI, that’s scary. You could make a horror film just by zooming in on the stretch marks on their arms. I was never a fan of the film to begin with, the trailer looks great, but I don’t feel anything from it.
The Karate Kid
I think that the Hollywood has also spent sometime in a “Hot tub time machine” (OOH, feisty, I bet the lamo secretarty I used to work with would have liked that one). The second movie on the list that started in the 80. This one stars Jackie Chan as Mr. Muyagi and black people as everyone else (except the bad guy, he’s Asian too). What can I say about this?
Babies
This is an interesting idea. It’s a documentary filmed like a nature documenerty, but with babies. The crew set out to capture babies from all over the world in their natural habitat. Habitats that include: crying on air plain, handing you a slimy handful of Cheerios and being breast fed in public places. So far so good? No terrible joke, right? Wrong! I heard the DVD extras will feature a blooper reel, all miscarriages.
Marmaduke
This is a life action version of the comic strip about the dog that does people stuff. It is a very unfunny waste of time I don’t recommend it and I really doubt that this is going to be good at all. Well, unless there’s a scene where Marmaduke licks peanut butter off of his owner’s genitals, then maybe.