The next show on this goofy list is Freaks and Geeks. This one last only 22 episodes on NBC and I consistently refer back to it as the prime example that network executives don’t know what the fuck is good or (even more so) relatable. It is so hard to find a show that is relatable. There are a lot of shows that are good Californication and True Blood, but they’re not relatable.
This was about high school kids in the early 80s, you know, being the outsider. It was written, directed and starred basically everyone who had been involved with every Judd Apatow movie over the past four years. Joe Flaherty from SCTV played the dad and Tomas F. Wilson, the guy who played Biff in the Back to the Future movies played the gym coach. The formula seems incredible basic and that’s true, it was very basic.
The writers wrote about stuff that they experienced during high school and even though it was set in the early 80s, you could tell that the writing was genuine. That’s what people what in TV shows: good writing. Most people don’t care about celebrity cameos and big over the top scenarios. We want feel like we could be a part of the story. I don’t get that feeling with Jersey shore or Two and a Half Men. I’m sure most people agree.

Insomniac with Dave Attell is, unless someone can give me another idea, the final show from Comedy Central to make it on this list. I don’t know what it is about that channel that rubs me the wrong way. I think that I should grab a list of all the failed Comedy Central shows that sucked, and trash them on the blog. It just seems like the programs are mass produced for overall appeal and don’t really strike cords with individual audiences. That’s what makes classic TV, having the flavor of the month host a web video show doesn’t (take that, Daniel “the open miker with a paycheck” Tosh).

So anyway, this show Insomniac was hosted by one of the great comics of our time, Dave Attell. He was perfect for this show. See, the premise of Insomniac was that he would go to different places around America and check out the nightlife. But he wasn’t going to these obvious places like bars and strip clubs, no he took this to completely different levels. He would go to some of the worst (by worst I mean best) places open at two in the mourning. He would run into every single freak and weirdo imaginable. Think about walking around Allston during the day and give everyone a weird sexual fetish. Those are the kinds of people he would run into. He would also go visit job that can only take place at night. I remember in one classic episode, he traveled for a night with a guy who cleans up hotel rooms after someone died in them. It sounds weird, but it was the most interesting half hour of TV, ever. People like to learn about stuff that there not supposed to know about. People are also fascinated with subculture. That is what mad this show fantastic, also the fact that I was in the eighth grade when it aired. Man, did I feel like I was getting away with murder.

I think one of the main reasons why this show failed was because of the time it aired. Once a week at two a.m. No, this wasn’t some clever marketing ploy to have a show called insomniac air when only actual insomniacs can watch it. Because if the themes in the show, it had be on that late. The censors never let it go to a prime time slot. That’s were it died, right before the sex infomercials aired. It will be missed by me, but let me know if you miss it so it can make the final list.

Best TV Shows, Not on TV

I watch a lot of television and to be honest with you, it all sucks. There is not one good TV show out there. It seems like it’s all reality programming and stuff for teenage girls. What I would like to start is a top list of the best shows no longer on TV. I have a few ideas and I’m going to get right into it with one of them today, but please feel free to add in any in the comments section. I have ten (or so, I’m not a big fan of even numbered lists), but please feel free to add a bunch. What I want to do is feature each one a day and then make a list and then a poll.

Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn was maybe one of the absolute best discussion panel shows of all time. It aired on Comedy Central for a whole year! One entire year, I think that’s a record for that fucking network. I don’t find one thing funny about that channel. The hell with the Daily show, unless you’re a nerd who follows every minute of it, then it’s totally unwatchable. Anyway, the show was hosted by comic Colin Quinn and he would feature some of his comedy buddies each night. These comics include: Nick DePaulo, Patric O’Neal, Greg Geraldo, Rich Voss and Jim Norton. Every so often a big star would show up like: Jerry Seinfeld, Will Farrell or Denis Leary.
This was a no-holds barred, non-pandering, flaming example of free speech. Those very things that the show stood for are the same things that helped get it cancelled. If people are offended by a TV show, then don’t watch it. If you get offended by something you read, then don’t read it. I hate when people feel the need to police the rest of the world when they don’t like something. The wrong people get to decide what America wants to watch. I’m tired of those shitty sitcoms. This was genuine! This was good! This was…dare I say it…real!

So anyway, the show was set up in a very loose manner. The guys would constantly rank on each other, yell and talk over one another. It was the most fun I had ever had watching TV. This show was truly an influence on my life and I fucking hate that. If only we had the Discovery Health network, then I wouldn’t fucking be this way. I’d be a doctor or in law school. I would actually be doing something productive with my life.

They would talk about a multitude of topical headlines, big and small. The arguments would get heated and the jokes were mostly funny. I say that because sometimes one of these comics would bomb and then get shit on and made fun of. I would love to show you a clip, but I don’t know how to fucking work the YouTube add-on!

Summer movie preview, Part 2

The A-Team. This isn't going to be a piece of absolute crap. If I were going to compare this movie to a pile of shit, it would be in the neighborhood of three Activias and then a glass of water from a Bolivian lake. That's the kind of shit, this movie would be. Liam "Fucking" Neeson is in this! Doesn't he have a respectable movie career? What is he doing to himself? He's going to be driving around in a van with for dudes. They don't even kill people. All of this is giving me a Natasha Richardson sized headache. Why the hell did I do that?

Eclipse. This is yet another Twilight movie. I am getting so tired of this stuff. I understand it isn't made and produced for me, but then again, what is? I always hear about those male 18 to 34 demographics. Now a days there less and less about who's watching T.V. and more and more about who's being convicted of rape. You know why? Because there isn't anything on! This bullshit is going to make millions and millions of dollars from all the its Emo girl fans. Money that otherwise would have been used to buy razor blades and paper for suicide notes. I'm so classy.

Sex in the City 2. The Kentucky derby starts early and early each year. This movie is for any man who needs to be cured of his sex addiction. There are sexier bodies in a confederate graveyard. I've seen more desirable women at a Hospice. I think after those three lines it's pretty (the only time you'll see that word in this section) obvious on my stance. If it was funny, I wouldn't care. If you don't like how I'm being superficial, then leave a comment. I'd rather willingly hand over my hard drive to the F.B.I. than go see this movie. Don't ask me what I mean by that.

Iron Man 2. Isn't terrible how all the movies nerds want to go see come out when the sun is closest to the earth? Our pale skin can't handle it. Well, Ive actually never been a nerd for comics. Star wars, baseball cards and wrestling are what has made be a chick magnet over the years. This movie is going to make more money and then a bunch of sequels and it will all be ruined. But you might actually find me a the movies for this one.

So, in this section alone, we have a T.V. show remake and three sequels. Why be original? I should take a tip from Hollywood.

Summer Movie Preview, Part 1

There are a ton of huge movies this summer that are likely to gross hundreds of millions of dollars and still not be able to turn a profit. Of course, I’m not going to see any of these movies because that would mean leaving the house. God forbid I step outside instead of sitting in my room, wallowing in my own crapulence. But, then again, none of these movies really appeal to me anyway. I only watch documentaries about Lincoln’s alleged homosexual tendencies and Brazilian vomit-fetish bootlegs. Enjoy part one!

Nightmare on Elm Street
Everyone’s famous burn victim is back! No, not the guy who was on Oprah, Freddy Kruger. This is a total upheaval of the first film. I never like it when they remake horror movies. In today’s world everything is redone using a lot of CGI. I hate it when they use CGI to make things look scary; it takes all of the emotion right out of it. CGI is not scary. The bodies of the people who program CGI, that’s scary. You could make a horror film just by zooming in on the stretch marks on their arms. I was never a fan of the film to begin with, the trailer looks great, but I don’t feel anything from it.
The Karate Kid
I think that the Hollywood has also spent sometime in a “Hot tub time machine” (OOH, feisty, I bet the lamo secretarty I used to work with would have liked that one). The second movie on the list that started in the 80. This one stars Jackie Chan as Mr. Muyagi and black people as everyone else (except the bad guy, he’s Asian too). What can I say about this?
Babies
This is an interesting idea. It’s a documentary filmed like a nature documenerty, but with babies. The crew set out to capture babies from all over the world in their natural habitat. Habitats that include: crying on air plain, handing you a slimy handful of Cheerios and being breast fed in public places. So far so good? No terrible joke, right? Wrong! I heard the DVD extras will feature a blooper reel, all miscarriages.
Marmaduke
This is a life action version of the comic strip about the dog that does people stuff. It is a very unfunny waste of time I don’t recommend it and I really doubt that this is going to be good at all. Well, unless there’s a scene where Marmaduke licks peanut butter off of his owner’s genitals, then maybe.

Summer Movie Preview, Preview.

It's that time again for Summer Movies.To be honest with you I haven't been to the movies in a very long time. The last time I went to see a film,Christian Slater was in one of the trailers. I love how all of the big movies come out during the summertime. It's like Hollywood is doing mankind a special service by keeping us out of the sun and away from Triple E mosquitoes by giving us a dark and cool place to hide in.



This old curmudgeon has a lot in store for you guys this time:



A lot of art house films like Iron Man 2 and Eclipse.



Tons of low budget independent flicks like The A Team and Nightmare on Elm street.



Plus filthy jokes!!!



The fact that most movies are so terrible makes me wish Hollywood never introduced the "talky". Also, when was the last time Hollywood had an original idea? Now-a-days they just make a sequel or make an all black film version of a TV show. Wich is Something that I allways find funny and look forward to.

Last night I made my official return to the Boston comedy scene. I didn't even know it, but my go to place: The Tavern at the End of the World was holding a tournament. This four week “shit fest,” which is going to be held at the end of every month, is exactly what I needed to help motivate me. The winner of this 30 entrant tournament will receive a paid opening spot at a comedy club in the city. Round one was yesterday and I’ll find out if I officially passed through by tomorrow night. I’m not expecting to win, but I want to see how far I can go. To say the least, my set last night was quite good. I was completely nervous, more so than I had ever been. They had judges, of course. They trashed the 8 guys who went on before me, but basically gushed over my set. I personally think I sucked. I was so noticeably nervous, you could tell in my voice. Here’s my full set, tell me what you think:

“Hey how about that tiger woods? He really hit himself into a sand trap, huh?,” then I did five minutes of funny faces, and then I referenced two movies that are about 15 years old.

Pure Gold! Of course, I’m kidding, that wasn't my set. Being funny on stage is different from being funny in everyday life. These people don’t like you and they don’t care about you. You have to make them.

I don't have a shot at winning, but I could make it to week three.

Yup, spring break and I’m at home blogging like a 400 pound shut in. I deserve to be bullied on Facebook for all of this. I should be in Los Cabos right now getting shit faced and on a beach. Praying that the lump in some chick’s neck isn't an Adam’s Apple.
I should be out stimulating the Mexican economy. I always find it amazing that Mexico’s whole economy is pretty much based on these two weeks. I find it remarkable that a country can produce its whole Gross National Product by selling margaritas and the “morning after pill” for a few days in March.

The other day I saw this news story about how kids in little league are prone to many different kinds of injuries. Yes, I’m aware it’s not a new thing, kids have always been getting hurt playing sports. But it seems that the dangers are greater than ever. Many people blame the parents and yes, some parents push there kids way too hard. Good job, you want your son to be the best pitcher out there, so you get him a radar gun for his 10th birthday. What are you going to get him for his 11th,Tommy John surgery. Youth sports have always been overrated to me. I never played any as a kid, mainly because I had (and still have) all the grace of a dyspraxia patient and the motor skills of Morrie Schwartz.
A lot of the parents blame the coaches of these pee wee teams, which I think is totally ridiculous. There was this one lady who said that the main problem was that the coaches have no knowledge of exercise science and bio mechanics, really? You mean to tell me that the guy, who coaches the team sponsored by Artie's Hardware and Locksmith, doesn't have a sports medicine degree from Tufts? Lombardi’s Pizzeria doesn't check for their coaches background in ACL repair? No little league coach is going to show a bunch of 8 year olds how to throw curve balls. If they do, the kids arms are going to look like Jim Abbot’s. Their muscle tissue is going to look like overcooked rigatoni.

Mundane Night War

The main event for Monday night’s episode of TNA Impact was Hulk Hogan and Abyss vs. A.J Styles and Ric Flair. Apparently Hogan came out of retirement to debut his new gimmick: father of a shitty family. The man absolutely makes me sick. Ric Flair is no better. This guy couldn't even stay retired for two years. He just had to go back to wearing that stupid transsexual entrance robe and he had to go back to doing that dumb multiple sclerosis patient walk he does before landing a knee drop.
Sure, RVD is back and I like the Angle/Anderson feud, but the center piece was this old timer bullshit. I heard at the next Pay-Per-View, Flair and Hogan are going to wrestle in the first ever "colostomy bag match". The first one to have it fall out while performing a suplex looses. Actually I heard they where going to wrestle a submission match where instead of tapping out, they have to give up by pressing their “Life Alert” medical bracelets. But most of all, fuck me for watching this shit, I’m an adult.

Spring Movie "Preview". Part 1

Well, I 'v finally decided to do a spring movie preview. There's a lot of bullshit coming out in the next few months and I think that it's the perfect opportunity to take a look at what's about to be thrown at us. Here is part one of series of previews for a few movies that I don't think I would ever go and see.

The first film up is Date Night starring Steve Carrell and Tina Fey. Finally, these two are together in a movie! Yuck. If only this movie was filmed in a cavern in Northern Afghanistan and released exclusively on Al-Jazeera.

The dip-shits at entertainment weekly actually said that they were excited to finally see these two together as a comedy duo. Here are a few comedy duos better than these two idiots:


Joseph Goebbels and Heinrich Himmler were a better comedy duo.

Chris Brown's right and left fists were a better comedy duo.

Childhood obesity and literacy rates are a better comedy duo.

Amy Bishop and her husband look like fucking Bob Hope and Bing Crosby compared to these two.

The plot of the story is about being married and being in a rut. So, to get out of it, the lady who added nothing to SNL and the man who should be convicted of rape for what he did to Rickey Gervais' office manager character, go out on a date.


It's a good thing that a case of mistaken identity causes them to go on an adventure and not finish their date. I don't think I (or anyone else) would be able to handle a sex scene with these two. You know, some God awful experimental sex/role playing thing that married people do to get out of a rut. The world isn't ready for Tina Fey to be dressed like a viking, squatting over Steve Carrell, while he has on one of those terrible 1920s style bathing suits, lying down on a bunch of spread out garbage bags.


The Next film is Death at a Funeral. This film is a remake of a 2007 British comedy. It was originally a British "black" comedy and now it's just...well...a black comedy. That's right. Think of every black actor and he is probably in this. Where the hell was the casting for this film done? The after party at the source awards? Actress/comedian Lisa Lampanellie's vagina?


I understand that there was a smidgen of race injected into that last series of jokes. I'm not so much concerned about what the average person might say to me. I am concerned that Disney might sue me for stealing their bit.


Regardless, I like the comics in it, but this movie is not for me. The British version was o.k. and the overall plot is actually good. Chris Rock's (the lead) dad died and at the funeral all this dirt starts coming up about his father.

It's made for a particular audience and it is going to certainly cash in on it.

Now we get to I Love You Phillip Morris. The only thing that I know about this movie is that Jim Carry plays a gay con man in jail and Ewan McGregor is his lover. I hate Jim Carry and the only thing that would make me watch this is if this guy (see picture) was his cell mate instead. I bet it would be pretty hard for Ace Ventura to talk out of his butt after a visit from him.

Spring Movie "preview" Part 2 (Posted-3/8/10)

The Runaways

This movie stars Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning. I bet this film is going to do great in Utah and Thailand. It's a biopic about singer Joan Jett. It's really only on this list so I could make that delightful little quip.

The Hot Tub Time Machine

I have to give Hollywood credit for actually being original. Sure, time travel has been done before, but not in a hot tub.

Hollywood has made every book, TV show and video game into a movie. I wouldn't be surprised if they started making film adaptations out of bus station surveillance footage. So to see an original idea is always nice.
These guys go back to the 1980s and I really have a problem with that.



That decade is the holy land for hacks. It seems like every shithead “class clown” in high school thought they were so funny because they made jokes referencing the 80s. We get it. Micheal Jackson was black and . The only 80s reference that’s still funny is any joke made about Ryan White. But stuff about people in their 80s is always funny. Like when they back their car into a dumpster or they shatter a hip on a wet McDonald’s floor.

MacGruber
This is a film based on an SNL skit. What, they couldn't get the “nod” for dick in a box?
I actually like this MacGyver spoof, but on the show they're about 1 to 2 minutes long. Nothing that makes sense for 120 seconds should ever be stretched out to 90 minutes. That includes SNL skits and prostate exams.

Wall street 2
I’ll let the shithead who made “jokes” from 12th grade history class go at this one. Oh, no I can’t. They don’t let convicted pedophiles use computers in prison.(Callback. Guffaw!)

Yesterday, I was stopped by a transit police officer. I tried to pay through the reduced fare gate and he apparently found that to be suspicious behavior. I hate the transit police. They don't do anything and when they do, it's for the wrong reason. All transit cops are just pissed because they don't get to solve "real" crimes.
When does a transit cop ever raid a guys house, go into his basement and find a bunch of chopped up and violated Charlie cards?
Never. But, they do get to tell homeless people to stop taking out their "junk".

"Private First Class" MacDonald

I was speaking to my brother recently. He is a U.S. Marine and is currently stationed in North Carolina. When ever we talk it's always about the same two bullshit things: food and TV.

He was telling me how he (during a Field test) was grazed by a bullet and then had to do fire watch that night. Fire watch is when one person guards the arms all night long. What a tough motherfucker. I give him a lot of credit, being able to put up with that. If I get a slight tickle in my throat, it's so distracting, I cant even watch TV. This kid was pretty much shot. He was still able to do his job, what a dumb fuck. He's a good kid.

Headlines (or two more jokes)

• Vancouver (the site of the winter Olympics) is up an arms over several disparaging reports concerning the large number of homeless people populating the area. Recently sending out a statement claiming "how dare you say such things about our women's ice-skating team".
• There are rumors circulating about Howard Stern and his interest in replacing Simon Cowell on American Idol. If this happens the show will likely be renamed "retarded-midget sing along".

Headlines and Punchlines

Here are a few things that are in the news right now:

• Strong Latin American sales boost Avon products INC. I think we all saw that coming when that old retired church organist moved into that Dominican neighborhood.
• That annoying Jersey shore girl has nude pictures of herself. Who the hell would want to see her naked? With all of that flab and the bright orange skin, I bet she looks like a jack-o-lantern under there.
• In an interview, Obama recently claimed that the Chinese yuan is greatly undervalued. When heard about this remark China answered back: "yes, this is true. But, it's still worth more than a baby girl".
• Indianapolis will delay its school day by one hour on Monday because of the Superbowl. That means that the children of Indianapolis will have one hour less to learn how to steal pies from window sills and catch catfish with their hands.
• A man was arrested for driving in the carpool lane with a mannequin in the passenger seat. He was sentenced to four months community service under the "Larry David-like schemes" act of 2003.

The Simpsons,Do'h

The Simpsons are celebrating 20 years on television and over 420 episodes. 200 of which are good and 3 that are o.k. Why have the Simpsons fallen so far. They used to be a funny show were the jokes were simple, yet smart. Now they try to cram as many pop-culture references into a single joke as they do guest voices in a single episode. They can never go back to the good old days (too bad Conan doesn't want to write for them now that he is going to be off NBC) when they weren't trying to be like family guy. I don't know who the audience for the show is supposed to be anymore? It's not edgy like it used to be. The new characters that they debut suck and why the hell are there music montages in these new episodes? Two that stand out as D-chill worthy are: One when Bart gets a drum set and he plays a white stripes song and the other is from the "Departed" spoof, where Bart does something homosexual to the tune of a Dropkick Murphy's song. I used to love the show, now I don't even bother with it. I wait until Family Guy. which is still funny, but pushing it. It's time to go Homer, Bart, Krusty. If you leave now your legacy won't be too tarnished.